I know it seems like
The Year of our Dark Lord 2020 will never end, but Turkey Day is right around the corner, and Christmas is basically the day after that. So this begs the question — how in the world do we successfully celebrate the holidays during a worldwide pandemic? Is this finally the excuse we’ve all been looking for to avoid crazy extended family during an election year?
Could 2020 have a silver lining after all?!
Maybe, but probably not. Nine out of 10 of you are going to participate in some kind of family reckoning, be it virtual or in person, so get your fat pants and clapbacks at the ready. Here are 10 interesting ways to celebrate — or get out of — “Vidsgiving.”
Wear a hazmat suit.
Nothing says, “I want to be here, but I have concerns,” like attending Thanksgiving dinner in a CDC tuxedo. This is a particularly good idea if you look striking in yellow.
Phone it in.
When that hotline bling, it can only mean one thing — it’s Covid season, and we must protect granny at all costs. Who says you have to catch up with family in person when we’ve got Zoom, Google meets, FaceTime, Skype, etc.? There are plenty of ways to say hi over dinner without putting your family at risk.
Pretend that politics don’t exist.
We all have PTSD from Thanksgiving during the last election year, so unless you’re looking to re-traumatize yourself, PRETEND THAT NONE OF THIS IS HAPPENING.
Or, Bring up politics, then bail out.
On the other hand, it can be fun to drop a political a-bomb, and then use the resulting mayhem as an excuse to dip out.
Discuss conspiracy theories.
Spice up a boring Thanksgiving dinner with a good old-fashioned conspiracy theory. 2020 is packed with all sorts of new and exciting theories that at least one of your crazy uncles is bound to believe, from COVID-related tracking devices, to the hazards of 5G networks, to the virus being an elaborate government hoax. If he’s busy spouting nonsense, uncle Barry will be less likely to grill you about your personal life.
Disinfect everything and everyone.
In the event that you stumble upon
the holy grail lysol wipes/spray while shopping, don’t you dare use them until Thanksgiving day. Each time a masked family member walks through the front door it is your CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY to spray them down like they just survived a meltdown at the Shearon Harris nuclear power plant. If you host a potluck, everyone will be picking up spoons with their diseased little hands, so have those lysol wipes at the ready. Don’t forget to throw a gallon of hand sanitizer on the table and plenty of hand soap in the bathroom. If you don’t hear that faucet running for at least 20 seconds after the toilet flushes, throw the whole relative away.
Despite what your great aunt Barbara thinks, wearing a mask DOES help prevent the spread of Covid-19. Masks are also a great way to avoid seeing Barbara’s extra long nose hairs during dinner. If conversation starts to lag and you’d like to start a riot, pick a controversial mask with a pointed message or obscene image printed across the front, and see what happens.
Mention virtual school.
If you see parents having an extra glass of wine this Thanksgiving, I think you know why. Hosting a teacher? Politely look away when they shove a few extra bottles in their purse for later. Virtual school may be rife with trials and tribulations, but it’s certainly safer than politics or religion. Discuss enthusiastically with grumpy preteens while they’re avoiding mom’s runny potato salad.
Stay 6-feet apart.
Unless you’re celebrating poultry-geist with your immediate family, don’t let your kids get close enough to have their cheeks pinched by grandma. Instead of a large communal table, opt for several smaller ones that are sufficiently spaced. If you’re not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings this holiday season, I suggest strapping a pool noodle to your torso so everyone keeps their distance.
Do your own thing.
How many years have you looked for an excuse to bail out of the obligatory annual family get together?! I’m not saying you should use a worldwide pandemic as an excuse to live your best life and celebrate the holidays on your own terms, but 2020 isn’t going to throw a lot of silver linings your way, so maybe strike while the iron’s hot. Order Chinese food. Stay in bed all day. Get drunk in the kiddie pool. This Thanksgiving is your oyster.
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