Back to School, Covid-Style

I wonder when they’ll announce my child’s new teacher — please don’t let it be me.

Ah, nothing says back-to-school like book bags, lunch boxes, colored pencils and a worldwide pandemic. Instead of being on the hunt for the nicest bento box set, parents everywhere are scouring Etsy for the cutest face masks money can buy. God help us if they decide to include clorox wipes or tissue boxes on the back-to-school lists this year — Karens everywhere will be hitting up the black market in droves. What a time to be alive!

Wake County has already announced that their 40,000 multi-track year round students will start in August instead of July, but what other changes can parents expect? Recently the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services and North Carolina Department of Public Instruction released guidelines on how to safely reopen public schools in the Fall, and I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of here for it.

As a parent of a teenager myself, I’m not opposed to keeping walking hormones six feet apart and putting Duck Tape masks on their faces. But I digress. In the state’s proposal, or “toolkit,” educators have been asked to plan for reopening under three potential scenarios:

Plan A: Let’s Pretend 2020 Didn’t Happen Minimal Social Distancing
Plan B: Crap, It’s Starting To Look Bad Moderate Social Distancing
Plan C: You In Danger, Girl Remote Learning Only

I know, it’s basically Jumanji, but no one is rolling a five or an eight. The state has some solid suggestions on how to handle this back-to-school business, but I’ve got some pretty good ideas myself. BEHOLD!

Ensuring safety in schools may require masks, plexiglass walls, limited occupancy and remote learning.

FVM’S Guide to Keeping Covid Carriers Kids Six Feet Apart

Make Cook Out 18+.

This may or may not work, because I wouldn’t put it past teenagers in Fuquay to obtain fake IDs, specifically for the purpose of hanging out in the Cook Out parking lot and revving their trucks.

Stop Bringing Milkshakes To The Yard.

I feel like this one is pretty self-explanatory.

Require Kids To Carry Pool Noodles At All Times.

Can’t find one at the end of the season? Check your local pool; they’ve got a collection dating back 30 years.

Make Them Wear Fanny Packs.

They’ll have immediate access to hand sanitizer, antibacterial wipes and face masks. But most likely, they’ll just never leave the house.

Put Them In Plastic Bubbles.

Hey, it worked for John Travolta.

“He’s Got The ‘Vid!”

Don’t want your kid spending too much time with their bf/gf? Shout this at the top of your lungs, and pretend that your sole motivation is to keep them safe from a worldwide pandemic. Mama knows best.

Teach Them How To Call People.

Despite being on their phones 24/7, the vast majority of kids have never used their phone to call a friend. Hey, it’s safer than hanging out just for the sake of a good Snapchat story.

Serve Beans In The School Cafeteria.

Honestly, this is the most brilliant idea I’ve had in years.


Great ideas, right?! Alas, my reputation as a local meme maker has ruined my chances of being taken seriously by the school board. Depending on the latest stats, actual guidelines may or may not include social distancing via floor markers, limiting non-essential events and activities, the discontinuation of self-serve food in cafeterias, health monitoring, changes in transportation, limiting occupancy to no greater than 50%, plexiglass walls, remote learning AND MORE!

Will there be football games and school dances? NOT A CHANCE WHO KNOWS! As upsetting as this might be for the kids, I think we can all agree that limiting the spread of COVID-19 should be prioritized over homecoming. Saying that, the day my kids are able to get on a yellow school bus again and safely attend a school far, far away from my refrigerator and home office will be a day of great celebration. It’s hard to believe, but schools have been out since the birth of our Lord March 14. Doesn’t that feel like years ago? Put on your helmets, because 2020 isn’t over yet.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *