FVM’s New Years Resolutions

That’s a hard pass on Wegmans, folks.

Do you know the origin of New Year’s resolutions? According to history, they were said to have been created by the Scots during the Battle of Pinkie Cleugh in 1547. Just kidding, literally nobody cares, and I’m not about to hit you with facts. Making promises to ourselves at the end of every year is a tradition that we just can’t seem to kick, even when 99% of us fail spectacularly within the first month.

2020 is creeping up on us and looking at our fat rolls like, “well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of your own actions,” but every year we’re like “NO, WE’LL CHANGE! WE’RE MORE THAN THE SUM OF OUR BAD CHOICES! GIVE US ANOTHER CHANCE!”

The new year isn’t falling for our lies, but we obviously are, because some of us have already created a resolution list a mile long. For those of you who haven’t, I’ve got you covered with these locally-sourced New Year’s resolutions. May they stick at least until Feb. 1.

Avoid Wegmans

On Sunday, Sept. 29, Yankees everywhere danced under a full moon Wegmans made its North Carolina debut at 7 a.m. I’m not even kidding when I say that the line was around the block by 6 a.m. Apparently Wegmans is the Brad Pitt of grocery stores. If you live near anyone who’s ever been to one, they will rave about it like 40-year-old men rave about the newly released Tool album. The point is, avoid Wegmans for as long as you can, because one visit is enough to turn you into a life-long Wegmans Disciple who will never. shut. up. about. it.

FUN FACT: There’s a 100% chance that the first people in line were wearing pristine white balance sneakers and have a “Live, Laugh Love” sign hanging somewhere in their house.

Cut Back On Bojangles

DON’T RIOT, I’m not suggesting you should give up Bojangles completely. I’m simply saying that it might be a good idea to limit your intake to two to three biscuits a week, if you ever want a chance of fitting into that sweet pair of Slim Built-In Flex All-Temp white jeans from Old Navy that Nance bought you for treating her at Olive Garden.

Stop Creating Local Groups On Facebook

Is it normal to have so many overlapping community groups on Facebook? (That’s a rhetorical question, because the answer is obviously, no.) We’ve got Fuquay-Varina’s Today In The Quay; Fuquay-Varina Happenings By Today In The Quay; People of Fuquay-Varina; All About Fuquay-Varina, NC; Ladies of Fuquay-Varina; Women of Fuquay-Varina; The Women of Fuquay/Holly Springs; Men of Fuquay-Varina; Holly Springs Residents; Holly Springs Leaks; Citizens for the Responsible Growth of Holly Springs; Women of Holly Springs; the Ladies of Holly Springs and (of course) The Ladies of Holly Springs: Not Associated With The Bickering LOHS Group.

Don’t create another community page. It probably already exists within our local arsenal of Facebook groups, and ain’t nobody got time for that anyway.

Replace Beer With Wine

There are numerous studies chronicling the health benefits of red wine, including HAHAHAHA just kidding, fam, this isn’t Apex. Carry on.

Ask A Professional, Not The LOHS

Let’s celebrate 2020 by actually making a doctor’s appointment in lieu of posting about little Ainslee’s rash on the interwebs, mmkay? Not only are local ladies’ groups completely unqualified to help in the event of a medical emergency, they’re also the same people hawking menopause crystals to help reduce hot flashes.

Soon the pic of your child’s viral rash will turn into a rant about the dangers of vaccinations, and Karen will emerge from the sewer with a pitchfork and destroy every last dissenting opinion. Also, asking if a “stomachache” is going around is about as useful as asking someone to spell Fuquay-Varina correctly the first time around, so don’t waste your time.

Quit With The Pyramid Schemes.

This means no leggings, pink drinks, oils, crystals, or whatever the crap else you’ve got up your sleeve, Barb. I’m not knocking anyone’s attempt to make some of that sweet moolah, but if I have to see one more pyramid scheme on yet another community group, I’ll have no choice but to hop on that Herbalife train and serve up some shakes instead of memes.

Actually Use Your Planet Fitness Membership

Or not, I don’t really care if you’re fat.

Visit Every Brewery In Town

Currently there are more breweries in Fuquay and Holly Springs than Salt Life stickers, so get ready to start drinking (see No. 7). Breweries in this town include Aviator, Mason Jar Lager Company, Fainting Goat, Oaklyn Springs, Bombshell Brewing Company, Carolina Brewing Company and Vicious Fishes. (I might actually be missing some, but I can’t keep up with your alcoholic ways.)

You Don’t Need That Throw Pillow, Deb.

Splurging at Target might have been your favorite pastime in 2019, but you’re broke now, and it’s time to turn over a new leaf before Craig takes away all 15 fake succulents you found in the dollar spot. Make a list, and stick to it.

Give Karen A Break

Not all Karens are created equal, so next time you think about using the name Karen when referring to a difficult person, feel free to branch out and experiment with other typical middle-aged lady names like Nance, Deb or Janet! Why limit yourself to just one when there are so many other options available? Let’s make 2020 the year of the Barb. LET IT BE KNOWN.

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