In case you can’t tell by the rivulets of sweat running down your back and into your nether regions, summer has arrived. It’s too hot to sit outside on your patio, you can’t hike a trail without becoming a bug sacrifice, and you’ve got approximately five minutes to let your dog pee in the backyard before your neighbor calls the police citing animal abuse.
Times are tough out there in Southern Wake. Is your car’s air conditioner up for the challenge? Miles of road construction and every Magic 8 Ball in the world say no. Even if you survive the heat, at some point you’ll give in to your cravings just to have your life threatened by the trash can yellow jackets at Sunni Sky’s. Don’t worry — I’m a writer, and willing to give your relatives a 10% discount on obituaries (there’s a markup for funny ones, just FYI).
Recent transplants, take heed: I’ve got some dos and don’ts to get you through June and July (after August, you’re on your own). If you’re new to this column and you’re wondering if these types of shenanigans exist in the “back pages” of every issue of Main & Broad, they absolutely do. I don’t question it, and neither should you.
Anyways, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. To survive a summer in Southern Wake:
DO stay hydrated. Southern Wake is basically the Bar-muda Triangle, so put on your lawnmower jeans and get ready to drink your way into oblivion.
DO NOT take a dip in Fuquay’s Mineral Spring. Located in Fuquay Mineral Spring Park, it was once believed to have healing powers. Visitors came from far and wide to partake of the waters during the turn of the century (I’m talking 1899, not 1999 … I think). You might be tempted to dip your sweaty toes under the rusty white pipe and let the healing begin, but this is a surefire way to gross everybody out and get a fresh case of tetanus. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, because I did.
DO keep busy. Lucky for all of us, everything a South Wake resident could want, regardless of town, is along one road! Hit up Highway 55 for access to Target, Lowe’s, the movie theater, Texas Roadhouse, and all manner of air-conditioned buildings to waste your money in. For Fuquay residents, Judd Parkway is your bread and butter — complete with Walmart, the post office, the library, Planet Fitness, fast food restaurants, you name it. It’s all there, just waiting for you! Convenience.
On second thought, DO NOT go on Highway 55 or Judd Parkway for any reason. You will either die in traffic or become a sweaty ghost of yourself and never manage to enter the pearly gates of Planet Fatness. It’s OK — beach bodies only exist if you live near a beach.
DO get out of the house. I know it’s hot, but locking yourself inside like it’s 2020 isn’t the way. Downtown Fuquay is just a quick hop over the tracks, past the dormant warehouses, and through Fuquay’s untamed concrete wilderness. Explore the kudzu fields of South Park, drink a hazy IPA, or go antiquing (just not on Monday; that’s when the owners regenerate). Keep driving and you’ll enter Harnett County, where you can unburden yourself in front of a massive cross, go fishing with some locals on the Cape Fear River (do this at your own risk), or play “guess what crop that is” before reaching Dunn and turning the hell around.
DO NOT buy a used above-ground pool from Facebook Marketplace (see above). I know it’s tempting, but there’s not enough disinfectant in the world for a like-new oversized kiddie pool, and it’s never as refreshing as you imagine. Plus your neighbors will hate you.
DO go swimming. If you’re too cheap to live in a neighborhood with a pool (me), find a friend that has money and use theirs instead. Don’t worry about asking for permission; true friends will completely understand why you’re standing outside, unannounced, with a towel wrapped around your waist.
If you don’t have friends, consider renting a private pool on Swimply or making the drive to the beach. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
DO NOT exercise outside. If you do, make sure you do it between the vampire hours of 1–5 a.m. After that, the humidity and heat will destroy everything in its path except for the dude in the red hat that exercises on Judd Parkway every single day without fail (he’s protected by The Lord of Fitness).
DO go to Cary. Just kidding, don’t be crazy. The minute your sweat strikes the ground, the Cary Police Department will be escorting you out. That place is a wasteland of summertime sadness, and you can’t sneak into a pool or splash pad without the stench of Southern Wake giving you away.
DO NOT take this article seriously. If you feel the need to write the editor a strongly worded letter, then calm down, go to Big Lots, and buy a box fan. I’ve heard it works wonders.
Want more laugh-out-loud, irreverent local humor? We’ve got plenty more to surprise and delight — read archived columns on mainandbroadmag.com and follow Fuquay-Varina Memes on Facebook and Instagram.
