So, you’ve finally decided to connect with nature. You’re ready to get outside, embrace the fresh-ish air, and experience the wonder of the wild kudzu-infested wilderness.
Congratulations! You’ve chosen the perfect place to begin your outdoor odyssey: Southern Wake County, NC, where the trails are (not always) paved; the wildlife consists mostly of fat squirrels, copperheads, and topographically disoriented seagulls; and the nearest mountain is the South Wake Landfill. Whether you’re a suburban adventurer or just looking to get your steps in, here’s your expertly curated guide to the almost-great outdoors right in your backyard.
I’m not promising much, but let’s go!
1. The Food Lion Loop
Length: 0.3 miles
Difficulty: Mentally uphill
Trailhead: Just past the Redbox kiosk (yes, those still exist)
You haven’t truly communed with nature until you’ve walked three loops around the Food Lion parking lot, dodging shopping carts and angry women with boxed hair dye. Highlights include the faint smell of acetone from the strip mall nail salon and the occasional wild Bojangles box tumbling in the wind. Pro tip: If you walk fast enough, people will assume you’re being attacked and will most likely run with you.
2. The “Red Trail of Pain” at Hilltop Needmore Town Park
Length: Depends on how brave you are
Difficulty: Mostly downhill or flat, until it suddenly isn’t
Located conveniently near both civilization and a suspicious number of snakes and judgy turtles, this greenway is perfect for those who want to feel just outdoorsy enough. You’ll encounter joggers, cyclists, and the occasional track team kid throwing up in the woods (true story). Keep your eyes peeled for native flora like … poison ivy.
Remember, the minute you start walking uphill and fighting for your life, some old dude will walk straight past you without even breaking a sweat. Whatever you do, never show weakness. Pass out when he’s no longer in sight.
3. The Sheetz-to-Target Traverse
Length: 1.2 miles (or 6,000 steps if you weave dramatically)
Difficulty: Must resist buying gum and $9 candles
This trail is ideal for suburban survivalists and people who don’t like to walk outside, ever. Begin your journey at Sheetz (fuel up on mozzarella sticks and a gas station burrito), cross the treacherous terrain of Highway 55 (don’t attempt a left turn — keep going right, forever), and reward yourself at the end with an iced coffee and a deep sense of accomplishment regret.
4. Sugg Farm Park: Where the Trails Are Made of Vibes
Length: Technically walkable forever if you just keep looping
Difficulty: Depends on your emotional baggage
Located in Holly Springs, Sugg Farm Park is a former farm/current mystery. It’s where you go when you want to say you “went hiking” without actually encountering any elevation or geology. You’ll find a vast, open field where dogs frolic, children run rampant, and one sad, lonely adult sits on that bench under the tree in the middle of the field. Deep thinker, or serial killer? Let’s not find out.
Wildlife: At least one overly confident goose, joggers who think they’re on the Appalachian Trail, and an overpriced kite that I had JUST paid for that flew into a tree (this is personal).
5. The Apex Community Dog Park Safari (Even Without a Dog)
Length: 0.4 miles of awkward
Difficulty: Emotionally confusing
No dog? No problem! Just stroll the perimeter, avoid work, and find a happy place. Watch dogs live their best lives while you consider quitting your job to open a canine meditation retreat. BONUS: Watch Karens in the wild arguing about what dogs are hypoallergenic, how their dog was bred to pull royalty into marketplaces back in ancient times, and how they supplement their expensive organic dog food with breast milk.
6. Backyard Bird-watching: Now with More HOA Restrictions
Length: As far as the property line goes
Difficulty: Dependent on neighbor tolerance
Settle into a camping chair with a LaCroix and observe the natural beauty of suburban aviary life: cardinals, blue jays, and one very aggressive mockingbird named Carl. If the birds don’t show, stare wistfully into the distance while secretly listening in on your neighbor’s conversation. Don’t do this in the front yard, or the HOA will notice and flag you as the neighborhood creep.
8. The Mysterious Trail Next to South Park
Length: Unclear. Time becomes a concept here.
Difficulty: Psychological thriller
Tucked beside the charming splash pad and baseball diamonds of South Park in Fuquay-Varina lies a trail that no one really talks about — but everyone’s seen. It starts off innocently enough: a shady path lined with unbridled kudzu and optimism. Then, somewhere around minute seven, things change. The birds stop chirping. Your phone signal vanishes. An unleashed mystery dog, who might be friend or foe, appears 40 feet in front of you.
Highlights include: I got nothing, guys.
Is Harris Lake a biker’s dream or nightmare?
9. Harris Lake: Nature’s Crime Scene
Length: Many trails. Endless suspicion.
Difficulty: Don’t veer off the path and you’ll be fine … probably.
Ah, Harris Lake County Park — the peaceful, piney oasis perfect for biking, fishing, picnicking, or, let’s be honest … hiding a body. With its wide-open woods, eerily quiet coves, and just the right number of unmarked side trails, Harris Lake has earned a special place in the hearts of both nature lovers and people who watch Dateline “for the scenery.” The entire area is probably featured in a crime podcast.
10. Congratulations, You’ve Done It!
Well, you probably didn’t summit a mountain or wrestle a bear, but you did make it through this article so HUZZAH!
If you do tackle any of these suggestions, don’t blame me for the humidity, stiff joints, and general sense of “do I really need to be outside right now?” Because the answer is no. Get back on the couch to re-watch The White Lotus and start a Reddit thread about Parker Posey’s Southern accent. Reheat some french fries and stay in the AC. Stick with what you know.
