The Madness of March: A Bracket of Complaints


March is a deeply unserious month in North Carolina. The weather wakes up every day and chooses violence, sports-ball fans are foaming at the mouth, the pollening begins, and the swimsuit section at Target is about to get hit harder than the curb at Starbucks. For reasons historians will someday study (no they won’t), this is also when the local complaints begin traveling at Mach 10.

So, in the spirit of The Madness of March (it’s … a legal thing), let’s fill out a totally unofficial bracket of the things people in Southern Wake complain about the most once the thawing process begins.

There will not be a prize or a winner, so save your betting for basketball. This article exists for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, congratulations — you’ve already found something else to complain about.

THE TOP SEEDS:

Not for sale

#1: “Don’t move here, we’re full”

March signals the return of spring and the start of the real estate market, which means houses sell, moving trucks appear, and the self-appointed “locals,” many of whom arrived sometime during the Obama administration, immediately start to spiral.

The moment inventory rises, so do hackles. Suddenly everyone remembers a simpler time, when Fuquay still had Campbell’s Diner and a sketchy looking high school that would flood every spring. But I’ve got news for all of you: Unless you’re the 100-year-old woman who has lived on Ballentine Dairy Road since the Carter administration and refuses to pave it out of pure spite, you do not qualify for this complaint. You moved here from somewhere, and I promise some guy was mad about it and probably worked through his feelings at The Brick.

This grievance is ranked as a #1 seed based on longevity, consistency, and its astonishing lack of self-awareness. Bonus points if it’s delivered while standing inside a brand-new subdivision.

Inclement weather strikes again

#2: “WHY are they out of school?!”

Everyone collectively lost their minds this winter when kids missed 84 years’ worth of class due to the threat of black ice, but the fun and games have only just begun. I think we can all agree that a school bus skating on ice sounds a little iffy, but tornado season brings its own types of pretend challenges.

In the springtime, I’ll argue that this is a solid complaint. Heavy rain, high winds, and the threat of a cow-throwing twister cancel at least one or two days of school every year, and as someone who grew up at the tail-end of tornado alley, I don’t really get it. I guess our lives were just worth less in the ’80s. Sirens were going off when we got dropped off at school, guys, and meatloaf was still on the menu. We crouched in hallways covering our heads while teachers laughed nearby with coffee mugs full of God-knows-what, openly praying for a twister to whisk them away from the Chads, Todds, and Jennifers of the era.

This one earns a No. 1 seed because it’s actually valid. That big brick building? Safer than your vinyl-clad three-month build. I don’t care. Fight me.

#3: Traffic (all of it, everywhere)

This should come as no surprise to any of you. Arguably, this is a yearlong complaint, but it increases in popularity when the weather warms up and people start to feel like they have something to live for. Folks start eyeing up that outdoor patio at Mi Cancun like it’s Justin Bieber at the Grammys, only to get stuck on Highway 55 because the roads in Holly Springs weren’t “ready for this growth.” No worries, you can always turn left. Eventually. In another state.

MID-SEED MAYHEM

#4: “They’re building another …”

Fill in the blank! Storage unit. Gas station. Car wash. Coffee shop. This complaint is flexible and evergreen. It doesn’t really matter what is being built, because I promise you that we don’t need any of it.

It was a tough call making this a mid-seed complaint, because I’ve been hearing it since I moved here in 2005. It’s not exactly seasonally motivated, so I dropped it down a bracket. This complaint gets extra spicy when it’s being built on land that has been “empty forever,” which everyone is also mad about.

#5: The Pollening

Every March, pollen comes in hot and pisses everyone off. Cars turn yellow. Ponds and streets turn yellow. Sinuses give up and start planning funerals. Someone inevitably posts, “This is not normal,” even though it is, in fact, completely normal.

This is a mid-seed because you guys should have known better. If you hate snow, you avoid the Midwest. If you hate shirtless men riding alligators to the Wendy’s drive-thru, you avoid Florida. And yet, here you are.

#6: Noise Complaints

As the weather warms up, people go outside. They start riding motorcycles (complaint). They attend outdoor games and cheer and stuff (complaint). They set off fireworks just because they can (BIG complaint). If it happens after 8 p.m. or before 9 a.m., someone is already typing. By the time I finish this article, your neighborhood Facebook page will have already logged at least four complaints. Someone revved their engine. There were mysterious booms in the area. Shearon Harris ran a test siren. I don’t even need to defend this pick, it basically picked itself.

THE CHAMPION

See? Full.

“Don’t move here, we’re full”

After a final four consisting of take-your-pick, we have a winner.

Undefeated. Timeless. Hypocritical in the most Fuquay/Holly Springs way possible. If Mark says the state is full, it’s full. Might as well ignore that job offer, because it’s pointless. Southern hospitality exists only for those who got here early, and that’s the end of it.

See you next March — same complaints, same madness.

More From Our Mar-Apr 2026 Issue
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