I was originally going to title this “Things Fuquay Folks Say During the Holidays,” but I just knew Holly Springs would have beef that I left them out, so see this as my attempt at inclusivity, or whatever. I also chose the word “folks” because I’m forever floored by how often North Carolinians use this term. Don’t throw a ham at me — I’m still Southern — but my part of the South clearly missed this memo (I’m from Atlanta, if you must know).
Anyways, folks, since the rapture is still forthcoming, it’s time for another completely random article that will enrich your life from your favorite columnist. If you’re from the North (notice I didn’t say ‘Yankee’ because I’m in my inclusive era), this entire article might make you roll your eyes.
Living in Southern Wake during this time of year is like living a lie. Cooler weather can’t be counted on. Good football can’t be counted on. A peaceful Thanksgiving can’t be counted on. The list goes on. What can be counted on are these classic seasonal phrases Southern Wake residents find themselves saying every single year.
“Let’s drive 40 minutes to a pumpkin patch even though Food Lion has pumpkins for $4.99.”
Don’t quote me on the $4.99. With inflation these days, it might be $499. Regardless, why do we do this?
I have a theory. In our desperation for cooler weather, we look for the next best thing: seasonal activities. We can’t get cute fall photos for holiday cards in front of Food Lion, so we drive over to Cary or the creepy southern counties and make our kids sweat in a turtleneck for the ’gram. We ignore the fact that the vast majority of these patches don’t involve picking at all — they are just overpriced pumpkins, sitting in a field, waiting to rot on your porch for Thanksgiving. Awesome
“Let’s get Starbucks!”
We have no business getting warm peppermint mochas when it’s still 70 to 80 degrees outside, but holiday drinks trick our minds into thinking we’re really experiencing the four seasons.
Not only that, but this time of year it’s 100% acceptable to ignore the other 25 local coffee shops that exist within one square mile of each other. Cultivate? Never heard of her. The Mill? Sounds like an apartment complex. A trip to get a seasonal drink at Starbucks is an overpriced, overhyped, necessary holiday tradition.
“Is Sunni Sky’s still open?”
At some point between November and December we admit that it’s still warm enough for ice cream — but is it still open? No one knows. Sunni Sky’s shuts down “for the season” every year, but despite living here for 20 years, I still haven’t figured out exactly when that happens. Yes, we could check the internet, but the internet is full of lies.
“I shop local” (with a smug look on your face).
With the exception of Starbucks, small towns in Southern Wake really push residents to support local businesses, particularly for Black Friday and Small Business Saturday. This also includes going to the farmers market for “fresh, seasonal produce.” At this point, we can’t even complain about how expensive it is — even the big chain stores are asking for a million dollars and your first born for a 12-pack of soda. Lean into it. Become the most local local that’s ever localed.
“Have you seen my package?”
This same question will be asked about 20 times a month on your neighborhood Facebook page, accompanied by a picture of a box sitting on a mystery porch. The poster will usually add other important details, like, “Tracking info says it was delivered at 2:34 p.m. by USPS.” I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but … finders keepers.
“Lord, how many trucks are in this parade?”
Forty-seven fire trucks — if you must know — all with sirens blasting, because nothing says Silent Night like a toddler covering their ears and screaming during a townwide celebration. Then there’s the endless stream of “floats,” which are really disguised Ford F-150s covered in Christmas lights and blow-up reindeer. Santa will be in a lifted truck, too, don’t you worry.
“What happened to the lights at Zaxby’s?”
They changed owners, and the over-the-top light show has forever come to an end. Next question.
“Are the wine advent calendars still at ALDI?”
If you’re asking, the answer is no. ALDI usually releases its wine advent calendars on the first Wednesday of November, and once they sell out, they do not restock. Every year, both the ALDI in Fuquay and the ALDI in Holly Springs sell out in less than a day. No lie — I’ve seen lines stretch around the building. Be proactive, and use your purse as a weapon if it comes to it.
“Let’s stand in line for a Honey Baked Ham!”
The only thing longer than the wine advent calendar line is the line for a ham. Is this a nationwide thing, or is the Honey Baked Ham store in Cary special? Why are these hams so in demand? Is the line out the door for preorder pick-up, or are people just walking in and demanding meat on the spot? I’ll never understand, but obviously y’all do.
“Is that snow or sleet?”
Just kidding, no one ever asks that. It’s a late-season hurricane.
Well, there you have it. The weather will keep lying to us, the Starbucks lines will keep mocking us, and someone’s Amazon package will keep showing up on Brenda’s porch. But at the end of the day, this chaos is our chaos. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and may your ham line be short and your Facebook notifications be few.
